Thanks for reposting this. I'd read your earlier one with the piles of mostly familiar books and enjoyed reading it again today. This one about your beautiful grandmother and mother and your sister and you brought tears to my eyes, not only for your grandmother's terrible death, but for the long-term pain of unacknowledged alcoholism. So heartbreaking what our ancestors carried in secret, perhaps passed on to us in our genes, and now we get to be clean and sober and joyous. Huge sigh.
You are welcome Kirie! And yes, it is so heartbreaking to know that family members were in so much pain, and the culture of secrecy and propriety left it all on their shoulders. Ugh. It bothers me a lot. But it does make sobriety for us even more powerful - yay for happy, joyous, and free!
Our families leave legacies, for better or worse. Good for you for getting help and for the work it takes to accept it. I know you know that your mom loved you dearly, even if it was hard for her to bring that to the fore. Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
Legacies, for sure, Elizabeth. I was lucky in that I really got to the point where I didn't feel like I could function normally - it finally pushed me to ask for the help I needed, because until then, I was convinced I would be able to quit on my own. So many nuances to this story, but my mom is a part of practically every word, every sentence. Thank you!
“I hold out hope that one or more of my many cousins on both sides is in recovery and that I just don’t know it. But so far, I’m the only one I know about.”
Me too exactly Susie. The secrets they kept were undiscoverable—unless they suffered a tragedy like your Nana did. Both side of my family carry a legacy of alcoholism. Thanks for sharing 🙏
Thanks for shining a light on the generations before us who supposedly lived during the good old days. We didn’t acknowledge alcoholism then, and we hardly do it now, except in extreme cases. I’m glad I’ve been alcohol free for five years. It’s been a game changer for me.
Ilona, it's one of the things that makes me sad about Nana. My grandmother's alcoholism was pushed under the rug, hidden by the rest of the family, everyone thinking they could make everything look okay on the outside. That was the social norm then, and alcoholism was (and still is) very misunderstood, so they probably didn't know what to do for her - and certainly didn't want her to go off to some scary asylum!! All around sad. But, anyway, congratulations to you for being alcohol-free for five years. And I'm glad it has been a game changer for you. It's a good life!
My mother was an alcoholic, in her late fifties, she suffered a serious burn on a leg when her synthetic slacks caught on fire. Said she “ didn’t die, but had gone to hell”. (Got sober at 60 After I, with the help of alcoholism counselor interveened) way too late for both of us. I’m sad to say.
Oh Roberta, I didn't realize that. A burn, too! That must have been very hard for you to deal with, and I'm glad you had the courage to intervene. And definitely good that she got sober, but I understand - the effects are lasting and hard to undo.
This is a stunning essay. It’s remained on my mind and in my heart since I first read it. It seems to me that we are bequeathed what we are, at least in some cases, because we will be the last stop for it. Secrets and shame kill, alcoholic or not, and they are passed down like the color of eyes.
And there are those of us who are somehow anointed (by who knows what/whom) the one who says “Enough.” In every family there is the truth-teller. 🙏🏻❤️
So true - but I often wonder, why me? Will never know I guess. The last stop is an interesting place to be. I'm grateful, but always wishing my grandmother and mother (and my sister, too - not to mention by grandfather, the other grandmother, all their children - including my dad) had lived without the effects (both direct and indirect) of the disease.
And thank you re: the essay. I know it was one of the things that got us back in touch with each other! ❤️
Sadly, often on deaf ears. Yes, alcoholism is debilitating life changing disease. My partner sober for 24 years 8 months, he often exclaims he “wouldn’t be here” otherwise. Yes, takes more than one attempt but the benefits, outcome lifesaving. Appreciate your willingness to write about your family’s experience. Nana looks like a beautiful human being I would enjoy knowing. She certainly made a statement in her death. Never easy no matter how long ago. Sending positive energy to you and all you love. 🌺
Thank you Susan, and please tell your partner congratulations on his sober time! It will be 18 years for me in December. I'm so grateful. But always sad about Nana and wish I had gotten to know her. Thank you for the positive energy!!
I’m pretty sure that I told you this when you originally posted this, Susie. My father was an alcoholic and died in a fire from smoking in bed in 1973. My Mom had taken my sisters and I and left him in 1964. My husband was also an alcoholic but died due to Parkinson’s as I have mentioned to you before. I’m so very happy for you to have worked so hard toward recovery! I know the pain and suffering that loved ones live with because the help given to those addicted to alcohol was not enough. One must be driven to recover no matter how much encouragement he receives from loved ones.
Ethel, I think you did tell me this about your Dad - so sad. And I know you mentioned your husband's alcoholism. OY, it is a terrible disease and for some (many) it is just not in the cards to banish it. I wish active alcoholics knew how much better it is on the other side - and that it is possible to get there. (It requires wholesale changes, though.) I drank every day for my entire adult life until I was 44 - with the few exceptions towards the end when I would "stop" to try to quit. Five years before the end I actually quit for several months and convinced myself I was fine - went back to drinking and from then on out, every time I tried to stop, I could last for less and less time until I no longer had the ability to stay "stopped" for more than a day, and if I did try, my mood crashed and I could barely get out of bed. But I digress...will write more about that another time! I'm just sorry for all that you had to endure, but glad you have your children and your dogs! xo Susie
Thanks for reposting this. I'd read your earlier one with the piles of mostly familiar books and enjoyed reading it again today. This one about your beautiful grandmother and mother and your sister and you brought tears to my eyes, not only for your grandmother's terrible death, but for the long-term pain of unacknowledged alcoholism. So heartbreaking what our ancestors carried in secret, perhaps passed on to us in our genes, and now we get to be clean and sober and joyous. Huge sigh.
You are welcome Kirie! And yes, it is so heartbreaking to know that family members were in so much pain, and the culture of secrecy and propriety left it all on their shoulders. Ugh. It bothers me a lot. But it does make sobriety for us even more powerful - yay for happy, joyous, and free!
Our families leave legacies, for better or worse. Good for you for getting help and for the work it takes to accept it. I know you know that your mom loved you dearly, even if it was hard for her to bring that to the fore. Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
Legacies, for sure, Elizabeth. I was lucky in that I really got to the point where I didn't feel like I could function normally - it finally pushed me to ask for the help I needed, because until then, I was convinced I would be able to quit on my own. So many nuances to this story, but my mom is a part of practically every word, every sentence. Thank you!
“I hold out hope that one or more of my many cousins on both sides is in recovery and that I just don’t know it. But so far, I’m the only one I know about.”
Me too exactly Susie. The secrets they kept were undiscoverable—unless they suffered a tragedy like your Nana did. Both side of my family carry a legacy of alcoholism. Thanks for sharing 🙏
Ugh - the family disease! And all those secrets...Sorry to hear we share this!!
Thanks for shining a light on the generations before us who supposedly lived during the good old days. We didn’t acknowledge alcoholism then, and we hardly do it now, except in extreme cases. I’m glad I’ve been alcohol free for five years. It’s been a game changer for me.
Ilona, it's one of the things that makes me sad about Nana. My grandmother's alcoholism was pushed under the rug, hidden by the rest of the family, everyone thinking they could make everything look okay on the outside. That was the social norm then, and alcoholism was (and still is) very misunderstood, so they probably didn't know what to do for her - and certainly didn't want her to go off to some scary asylum!! All around sad. But, anyway, congratulations to you for being alcohol-free for five years. And I'm glad it has been a game changer for you. It's a good life!
My mother was an alcoholic, in her late fifties, she suffered a serious burn on a leg when her synthetic slacks caught on fire. Said she “ didn’t die, but had gone to hell”. (Got sober at 60 After I, with the help of alcoholism counselor interveened) way too late for both of us. I’m sad to say.
Oh Roberta, I didn't realize that. A burn, too! That must have been very hard for you to deal with, and I'm glad you had the courage to intervene. And definitely good that she got sober, but I understand - the effects are lasting and hard to undo.
All my best to you as always, Susie
This is a stunning essay. It’s remained on my mind and in my heart since I first read it. It seems to me that we are bequeathed what we are, at least in some cases, because we will be the last stop for it. Secrets and shame kill, alcoholic or not, and they are passed down like the color of eyes.
And there are those of us who are somehow anointed (by who knows what/whom) the one who says “Enough.” In every family there is the truth-teller. 🙏🏻❤️
So true - but I often wonder, why me? Will never know I guess. The last stop is an interesting place to be. I'm grateful, but always wishing my grandmother and mother (and my sister, too - not to mention by grandfather, the other grandmother, all their children - including my dad) had lived without the effects (both direct and indirect) of the disease.
And thank you re: the essay. I know it was one of the things that got us back in touch with each other! ❤️
Sadly, often on deaf ears. Yes, alcoholism is debilitating life changing disease. My partner sober for 24 years 8 months, he often exclaims he “wouldn’t be here” otherwise. Yes, takes more than one attempt but the benefits, outcome lifesaving. Appreciate your willingness to write about your family’s experience. Nana looks like a beautiful human being I would enjoy knowing. She certainly made a statement in her death. Never easy no matter how long ago. Sending positive energy to you and all you love. 🌺
Thank you Susan, and please tell your partner congratulations on his sober time! It will be 18 years for me in December. I'm so grateful. But always sad about Nana and wish I had gotten to know her. Thank you for the positive energy!!
❤️
I’m pretty sure that I told you this when you originally posted this, Susie. My father was an alcoholic and died in a fire from smoking in bed in 1973. My Mom had taken my sisters and I and left him in 1964. My husband was also an alcoholic but died due to Parkinson’s as I have mentioned to you before. I’m so very happy for you to have worked so hard toward recovery! I know the pain and suffering that loved ones live with because the help given to those addicted to alcohol was not enough. One must be driven to recover no matter how much encouragement he receives from loved ones.
Ethel, I think you did tell me this about your Dad - so sad. And I know you mentioned your husband's alcoholism. OY, it is a terrible disease and for some (many) it is just not in the cards to banish it. I wish active alcoholics knew how much better it is on the other side - and that it is possible to get there. (It requires wholesale changes, though.) I drank every day for my entire adult life until I was 44 - with the few exceptions towards the end when I would "stop" to try to quit. Five years before the end I actually quit for several months and convinced myself I was fine - went back to drinking and from then on out, every time I tried to stop, I could last for less and less time until I no longer had the ability to stay "stopped" for more than a day, and if I did try, my mood crashed and I could barely get out of bed. But I digress...will write more about that another time! I'm just sorry for all that you had to endure, but glad you have your children and your dogs! xo Susie
Thank you so much for your honesty, Susie! I’m sure that it’s a gift for many! 💖